I never really understood the full meaning of having a passion. I think it is because there is no real or good emotional explenation for it what a passion is.
Words can be a funny thing, they can hurt you, lift you, make you happy, calm you down and they can distroy your very soul. Yet sometimes words lack something, something that can not be put into words. With all the words in the world I often find myself amused by this very thing.
I look at both my children, they have an absolute amasing ability to love life. They are two very, very different developing people, but they both are very clear on what and where their passion lies. I have seen that in many people, the peace and clarity of know exactly what it is that speaks to your soul, that which will take you to your happy place in the midst of chaos, that which put you back together again.
In my need to always better myself as a person and mother, I read and listen to a lot of different opinions and methods on how to be and/or become a better version of myself. Methods of improving your ability to be you and be happy and proud of that, without seeking the world and people approval. Methods and strategies on how to deal with young children and growing teenagers and not loose yourself or your selfworth in the process.
These are all inspiring and I have used many strategies and methods and taken a lot of advise, but one thing have always evaded me. Something that I have been asked many times, and that I have avoided answering very strategically, but it is something that has lurked in my mind, my heart and my soul for a very long time.
What is my passion, what do I love and what makes my soul happy?
It can be a very scary and loaded question, especially if you don’t know the answer. How, you ask me? How at my age can I not know what my passion is, what I love?
It is surprisingly easy really.
I am no acedemic genius at all. I hate studying, I hate having had to read through pages and pages of work that I just never understood, and we come from a time where there was no alternative learning techniques at school. So you either got it, or you did’nt, and I was one of those that just did not get it.
But, show me what you want and I will blow your mind with how quickly I can do the job and even try and find a better or quicker way of doing it. I will put 110% into making sure that whatever it is I do will be better than perfect. With this ability I have been able to learn a lot of different things, after school that was. I learned to do an array of different things, and I learned to do them well. From waiting tables and bars to setting up VIP events and meetings, preparing presentations, running and organising a project office, designing marketing material, developing technical books and documentation, paint school posters and backdrops, working on bike and boat engines, cleaned toilets, typed translations and answered phone at a switchboard. I have done many things, and every single one of those I am proud of, because I gave it my all. I learned anything and everything I had too, so I could do the job correctly and with a 100% accuracy. Just call me a jack of all trades.
The only thing that I have not been able to do yet was figure out what it is that I love, where lies my passion, my soul.
When you are over the phase of being young, and your next phase of family and/or responsible level headed adult starts, life just kind of runs away with you. That is what happened with me, once I switched to mommy gear, everything, and I mean everything changed. Before you know it you are years down the line and suddenly when your oldest child starts showing signs of independence, the lightning bolt of reality hits you square in the face. The reality of them leaving home, that what you have made your entire life over the years, will eventually leave to find their own life. They will take their dreams from your hands so they can make them come true for themselves, and you will hand it over to them, with grace and fear and pride, stand back and marvel at the people they have become. As they spread their wings to explore and venture into this strange, weird, cruel and beautiful world, you stand there suddenly thinking, what now?
What do I do now?
This is where your passion comes in, you see, before all of this happens, small pieces of life starts showing you that you need to get ready, you need to start looking at what you will be doing when your new adventure starts. Think of it as returning to the cross roads, having already taken the one path, now the other path is there, ready for you to walk it.
Again I ask, what is my passion, what is it that I love?
This is the question that seems to be milling around in my mind, day and night. The question that surfaces at 2 o’clock in the morning when my cat wakes me to go outside. It has been hounding me to the point where I started making a list, yes a list, I like lists. I like seeing my options or plans on paper, I like the security and the comfort it brings, it is almost like it confirms that what I have written is really there to explore.
Then out of nowhere, it occured to me. I like lists, I like planning and knowing what is to come, I like the comfort that certainty brings, the comfort and ease that planning and working towards a goal brings. I like reaching those goals and writing and planning new one’s.
And just like that I suddenly realised why cooking and baking has been such a big part of my life, why I have memories of meals or snacks or food with people and events. I love the order and structure cooking and baking has, the certainty that there is a start and an end result, that even when you fail, it might not be a disaster, but it might come our a surprising delight. I love that cooking and baking has strategy and the more you understand the different components of flavour or texture or ingredients the more free you feel to change and explore more, and yet with the rainbow of possibilities when it comes to baking and cooking, the basics stay the same. It takes planning, strategising and when you are done there is an end product. The peace of mind and happines that comes from achiving this and the safety that you feel while following the path that you planned is just amazing.
Finding your happy place, finding yourself, finding your passion. Yes, passion, you can describe it and word it as best as you can, but passion to me is a feeling that can not be described, there are no words to describe the joy your soul feels when you are doing what you love.
We all eventually return to this place, where we need to figure out what comes next, there are many of us that have the privelage to be doing what they love and are passionate about, but honestly very few are that blessed. This is why it is so important to find the peace and happines inside you, the place where you can sit with yourself and just be.
Finding your passion is like finding yourself, because once you find your passion, the rest of the world, the influence and the need to be accepted, all just disappear and you are left with happiness that requires no one but yourself in the truest form.
So I encourage everyone to live your life, make mistakes and go on adventures that make you fall in love with life, but remember that your life, your soul, your passion is a part of you and you will find it.
I, myself will continue to explore and read opinions, stragegies and methods on life, trying to improve and continue to grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but I do it now for me, my growth and my passion and the enjoyment of never wanting to stop being a better version of myself.